


Against All Odds

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-14
Updated: 2010-07-21
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:20:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8744317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Dean writes a letter to Sam after he goes to Stanford telling him how he feels. (sorry I really suck at summaries)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

Sam, I know you wanted a clean break from this life and that means me and Dad too. But there's some things I need to say to you, to get off my chest. I watched you walk away towards the bus station and all I could think was why wasn't I running after you, how could I just let you leave? We've hardly spent a day apart and now we may never be together again. The thing that stopped me was the knowledge that you could just leave, knowing I was watching you leave. Everything that we had been through together didn't matter to you. The laughter, the pain. Hell, it didn't even matter that you were one of the only people to ever see me for who I really was, that I let you that close. I look around and all I see is an empty space where you should be. I see your face in my dreams but that's all I have to remind of you and it tears me apart everyday but I know that I have to face it. It just doesn't seem to get any easier. I wish I could have made you turn around, turn and seen me cry. There was so much i needed to say to you but couldn't until that moment. I don't know if it even would have made a difference. But to wait for you is the only way to get my point across than that's what I have to do. I'll still be standing here Sammy. Because even though I know that you coming back to me is against all odds that's the risk I have to take. I love you and I always will.


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: Sam's answer to Dean  


* * *

Dean, I must have read your letter a million times, trying to figure out how to answer it. The selfish part of me wants to tell you to wait for me, that you're mine and no one else can have you. But then some voice inside me speaks up and says just how unfair that is to you. The truth is that I have no intention of returning. Dad closed that door for me. How could I go back knowing the animosity he would hold for me. And before you say I could come back for you, we both know that it would tear you apart watching us fight all the time because of this one decision. I didn't think that wanting something besides to hunt was a crime but to him it is and that would always be over my head. But what hurts me is to know that you agree with him. I didn't ask you to come with me because I already knew your answer would be no. He has too much hold on you. You look up to him and as that's not a bad thing for a son to do, it's just not in me. It might have been if I didn't die each time you came home bloodied and bruised, each night wondering if you weren't coming home at all. Maybe if we hadn't meant what we to each other. But there was no way we could have fought that kind of love, no way I could have not touched you. I can still feel your wam skin against mine. But in the night I dream about that beautiful skin rittled with scars and you writhing in agony from one more wound. I woke up every night almost in tears for you. Now I won't know if you're even on a hunt and that makes me in some way relieved because I won't know when you're in danger. Dean, you done a terrific job raising me and that made me love in ways that I know I shouldn't but always probably will. But it's time to let me go, for your sake and for mine. I will always love you. As a brother, a friend and above all else, the love of my life.

 

 

yours forever,

Sam


	3. Chapter 3

Sam, This will be the last time I talk to you. I read your words and they make me want to cry. I just don't understand how you think I would ever have taken Dad's side over yours. You're my baby brother, the one person who above all else I was supposed to protect and that included myself. But I don't believe that rejection is the reason why you didn't ask me to go with you. Maybe you aren't ready for the kind of commitment I would have demanded, that you wanted to just enjoy college and not have to worry about the things that go bump in the night. To really enjoy your life. None of those are bad things. But to blame it on Dad is complete bullshit. You know he would welcome you back with open arms if or when you really wanted to come back. The problem with that is that you don't. I can't blame you, Sammy. Sometimes I wonder what our lives would have been like if Mom never would've died, how great they would be. But then I remember that if that reality was true than we never would have gotten together and I would not give that up for anything. I do understand some of how you feel. I know how your gut clentches when you'd see me or even Dad hurt, I felt it too when it was you. But when you left, you didn't just turn your back on the life. You turned your back on the family, on us. And that's what really tears me apart. I don't know what I ever did to make you lose that faith in me that you once had but I would trade my life to get that back, to have you feel the way you once did. Despite what it might sound like, I didn't write to make you feel guilty. I just wanted you to know that I will give you the freedom that you're longing for, I love you enough to know that that's what you need. In return, I just want one thing. For you to remember me, us. The way we were together. I have never been as happy as I was in your arms. You gave me that and I thank you for it. Have a good life, Sammy. Remember, I will always be your brother and I will always love you.

 

 

Your brother,

Dean


	4. Chapter 4

Dean, I know I said that for both our sakes we shouldn't talk anymore and after your letter it just makes me believe it more. Knowing the hurt I caused you breaks my heart. I never intended it to be that way. I hoped you would understand that it wasn't you, it was everything. From the wounds to the living to the way you always chose Dad over me. It was just too much for me. I was slowly drowning in that life. I need you to believe me when I say that you are the most important person in my life and that if it wasn't for you, I would've have lost it a long time ago. I'm not worthy of the love that you so unjustly bestowed on me. But you gave it without blinking. You gave your soul to me, something I had no right in taking. I read what you wrote in your letters and it made me think. Was it really that I assumed your answer would be no but my insecurities that made me fear your answer? Could it be that I couldn't handle that kind of rejection from my big brother who always gave me what I needed? I honestly don't know. One thing I do know is that I never turned my back on us. I never said that I would block you out, that was your mistake. But it is true that I want to enjoy this experience. Most others kids my age do, so why not me? What is it about me that makes you and Dad believe that I shouldn't get that right of passage? Is it that I didn't put as much effort into hunts as you two did that you think I shouldn't get anything back? Or is it that you think I should only get back what you guys give like a dog getting thrown scraps. But instead of food, mine is happiness. I can't settle for that, Dean. I shouldn't have to. And if you love me as much as you say you do than you should want this for me too. I would have if the positions had been reversed. I love you and all that you have given me. Please make this your last gift and let me go.

 

 

Sam


	5. Chapter 5

Sam, I can't believe you. Insecurities, really? You've never had an insecure bone in your body nor doubted the way I felt. You write these letters back to me filled with excuses and accusations. Blame Dad, blame me, but never yourself. Did you ever think that maybe you're the problem. You and you're selfish nature? You hated this life and Dad to much stay and didn't love me enough to ask me to go. So don't give me this bullshit about having doubts about yourself or that you assumed I would stay with Dad. You know I would gone with you in a heartbeat. I loved you that much. It's just too bad you didn't love me in return. You were the only person who really knew me, Sam. Dad doesn't even know me as well. But you took what I gave you and spit it out like it was garbage. So this new line of defense you have with the I'm so unworthy, it makes me want to laugh. For once I agree with you, Sam. I do think it's time we stop talking. But it's not for your benefit, it's mine. I need to forget about you, heal my broken soul. You can have your white picket fence and live happily ever after if that lets you sleep in the night. Just forget I ever existed. I doubt it would be very hard for you anyway.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean, I'm sorry if you misinterpreted what I said. I'm not just blaming Dad and you. I'm blaming myself too. I know that I should have been happy with you, living that life. But something inside me always said I didn't belong. The one place I know I do belong is with you. You say I''m selfish and don't think about other people, well maybe that's true. I told you I wanted time, not forever. But you couldn't handle that. And instead of just letting things be, you put up your walls. Shutting out the one person that loves you the most in this world. I'm not going to let you do that though. You say I didn't give you a choice and that if I had there would have been no doubt. Well, here it is Dean. I'm asking you to be with me, forever. I can't stand the knowledge that you would even consider forgetting about me. I could never do that. I would have to rip out my soul and hang it out to dry. I love you so much. I don't want you to ever doubt it.

 

 

Yours forever,

Sam


End file.
